Dreams

Lately, my dreams have been dominated by you. If you aren't the center of my thoughts, you are always on the outskirts, just waiting to find a weakness in my concentration. Perhaps my dreams are beginning to mirror my waking thoughts. Never a day goes by that don't think of you. Maybe my mind has had enough.

The first significant dream was quite surreal. My dreams are often rather realistic but occasionally I know that I am dreaming before I ever wake. This was one of those instances. I just had a rather terrifying horse accident (being flung through the air and into a tree) and I was in the barn reliving my horror with others and the shock that I was not injured. You came through the door as if you had been there the whole time. I was delighted to have you with me and hugged you as soon as you were near. Then, I continued my cringe-worthy account of the accident. Moments later I asked the others where you were. No one knew what I was talking about. They said that no one else had been there and maybe I had hit my head harder than I thought. But I knew you had been there. I had seen you, felt you, hugged you. I knew you were real. And then I realized that, just as in my waking life, that you were still in New York. Hundreds of miles away and not coming back for two more weeks. I knew something was off before I ever awoke.   

Because that dream stood out in my mind so much at the time, I remember it with the most clarity. Revisiting it countless times kept it as fresh as the day it was dreamt.  All the others have fogged over in time since I did not bother to revisit them in my mind. 

My most recent dream of you was much less surreal but slightly more cryptic. We were in a dark movie theatre, holding hands as we often did. Cloaked in darkness, to me there was no one else, no one else mattered. Not even the movie. Especially not the movie. You extended a gesture so tender and trusting that, even outside of reality, I was floored by the significance.  You leaned towards me so that our faces were flush, cheek to cheek. I knew that for you, this must cause much pain. But I sensed no heat. No outward signs of the agony that must have been coursing through you like a white hot fire. You seemed as content as I. Then you whispered that we could never let them know. 

In reality we had done this many times. You allowed me to explore what caused you the most pain, emotionally and physically. I had the pleasure of caressing your smooth, soft face. Feeling it against my skin, against my own flushing cheek. I know that I hurt you many times, always by accident. It was evident by the crimson glow of your skin and the heat that emanated from it. But you never complained - not seriously at least. You always let me know when I bumped you by accident. But I cherished those moments of tenderness. I longed to hold your face, knowing that it was as painless as my own. I knew that it could never happen. 

So many months on from our reality, I am still dreaming of you. I try to forget, but, really, that is the last thing I want. To forget what we had. I feel the pinpricks behind my eyes travel down my arms to my fingertips as I allow myself to remember. Even my subconscious is longing for the happiness that came with those moments. I hope that, one day, my dreams will again be my reality. 

Tornadic Lust

I found myself lying in the hammock. Wind whipping and whirling around
me. I willed a tornado to come and get me. To take me away from the
sorrow and solitude.

"Maybe it will take me far away", I thought. I would like that.

But no, I would not land in Oz. Only a few miles away, broken and
tattered if not dead. Maybe that would be better than nothing. Maybe
not.

As the sun slipped behind the clouds, the weather seemed to grow
restless. Maybe it really was a tornado. I thought about it, if only
for a few seconds. I really didn't care. I closed my eyes again and
let the wind give me everything it had.

Of course, the winds died down. Still whipping but without the
ferocity of before. It grew colder without the sun's rays beaming down
on my vulnerable flesh.

I realized how much the weather seemed to reflect the events going on
in my life at the time. The sun leaving me cold and wanting more.
Hiding behind the clouds of separation.

I realized that without the sun, I am nothing. And without me, the sun
will remain everything.

I am alone.

Leana is a Culinary Odity

[Note: I have had a very busy and stressful week and have not felt like Blogging. I am now in New York City, which has made me want to blog more. Maybe.]

I have very strange eating habits. As an example, I don't like for my food to touch on the plate. However, some of my favourite foods are interesting mixes. I recently discovered that I love avocado, rice and soy sauce together. I don't know of anyone else who likes this, nor have I even heard of anyone doing this before. I am weird, I know. 

Earlier today, made another interesting discovery about myself. I like avocado and goat cheese together. Yes, you read that right. Avocado and goat cheese. 

Anyway, hope I didn't make anyone vomit! Cheers!

Earth to...?

Leana is too detached to post tonight but hopefully she will drop an anchor and get back on it soon. Maybe something interesting will even ooze from her brain into the computer. Sounds messy, but you never know. 

Oh! And Leana has a new look. Like?

[Remember how Leana is when she blogs in third person? Rawr]

What about a Man Period?

Sometimes I really hate being female. Really.

I will spare any details but it is just flat out unpleasant. The moment we are born, we are condemned to a life of pain. Sometimes I think it is just unfair. But of course I have heard it the other way around too, so I suppose it all depends on who you are and your point of view. 

Things like this make me think about male sexual discrimination. A weird thing, right? But if you think about it, the men in our country are expected to do all sorts of things women aren't. First of all that is possibly the most discriminatory is the draft. All male, American citizens have to register for the draft. And if you don't, from what I've heard, your future is pretty much effed up all over the place. But that is also a difficult one to solve. Can you really have every American citizen sign up for the draft once they turn 18? Somehow that just screams disaster. 

On a different note, men are hardly ever granted full or primary custody of their children unless their [soon-to-be] ex wife is certifiably crazy. Plenty of men are just as capable of providing nurturing homes for their children as most women. I happen to personally know two families with no contact with the mother and I know a few more who shouldn't. To use an example that almost anyone can understand [although I hate using celebrities as models] KFed now has sole custody of his children. That can only mean that Brittany has a real problem. And, thanks to the media, we know all about that.

Another prominent male-linked stereotype is being solely responsible for earning [at least the majority of] the money. And if he doesn't, people often shake their heads while he isn't looking and wonder "What was she thinking?" Since all of these problems are the fault of hundreds of years of tradition and stereotyping, it will most likely take hundreds of years before said stereotypes a fully erased from human society. 

Maybe some men enjoy the sense of responsibility and so-called manliness. Maybe they don't. What is a man to do? Get his man period?

SADDs? Or just sad?

There's something about this time of year that really gets to me. I don't want do to anything but sleep and eat. What's new, right? Well now it's worse than any other time of year. I first noticed that my depression hits about this time of year when I was in 7th grade but who knows how long it had been going on before that. The weird thing about it is that I love winter. Something about the cold, the ice and the prospect of snow that lies just beyond my grasp.

It's probably school. Something about the fact that you're halfway done but it feels like a lifetime. So much pressure. It's like everything you do at this point dictates the rest of your life. It's a wonder more teens and 20-somethings don't commit suicide. The pressure from parents and teachers and any other relative figure is overwhelming. And if I want to have any sort of future, I have to continue my suicidal rush towards graduation, life and certain death. Depressing, eh? Well I certainly thing so.

Times like this make me wonder how many others feel this way. Desperate. Depressed. Suicidal. Pointless.

Don't mind me, just my depressing thoughts of the day. Have fun!