I remember that day almost perfectly. For me, that is a feat in itself. It was my first day and I had no idea what I was doing. I was scared. I was sitting at the top of the house, watching the actors rehearse their lines. He was off to the right. Sitting closer to the stage. I had no idea who he was or what our fate was to be. I was attracted to him instantly. Only later would I realize that that initial attraction could be compared to a little something called love at first sight.
As it turned out, we would be working together, talking for hours on end over a headset. Within days, I realized that I loved him. Call it naive, call it stupid, call it whatever you want but I know it's true. Over the course of the next few weeks, I would learn more about him than I knew about any of my friends. I would also learn a great deal about myself. All of this along with many other things that he educated me about. I felt that I had known him my entire life even though it had only been a matter of days.
For me, that was magical. I have a hard time letting people in for fear of being hurt and rejected. I trusted him more than I trusted anyone else. We quickly became best friends.
However, I told him how I felt and, to my surprise, he already knew. Over the course of the next six months we would discuss this over and over again. He said he would never be able to love me the way I loved him. He didn't want to hurt me. He was also still getting over a past relationship. Legitimate reasons. In spite of this, I wanted more. I kept at it.
We met again a few months later to work on another musical together. More talking over the headset for hours on end would solidify our already strong friendship. We began to go out a little bit; he taught me to play chess, we went to a few movies and a small concert. We also began chatting on the phone rather than communicating solely through the computer. It felt as though he was showing interest, yet the last time I thought this, I was in for a big disappointment.
I kept on pressuring him to give me more answers as to why we could not take our relationship one step further. One late night one the phone, I finally learned the truth about why he wanted us to remain friends. Before that one faithful night, the only think I knew was that he was "still getting over a past relationship". Little did I know what he really meant by that.
He started out slow. Telling me about how he and his mum flew to Boston in June two summers before. He was waiting in the airport when this girl approached him because she thought he was also flying alone. They immediately hit it off and talked the whole way to Boston. She became his first kiss. They spent the days at her dad's house. To this day, I don't know what they did. However, I do know that she was his love at first sight. They parted on June 30th after only 20 days together. They promised to write and call each other.
When he got home, it was a little while before he was able to write or call her. When he did, he never got a response. She never got a chance to. At this point in his story, I was shocked. I think, deep down, I knew. But still, I asked. She was dead. She had been killed in a car wreck only five days after the last time he saw her. He told me that when she left, she had taken something from him. He said he didn't know if he could ever be whole again.
In spite of this, I still loved him and I still wanted him to be mine. Don't get me wrong, I felt like a horrible person, just the scum of the earth. But thats how I felt. I even hoped that maybe I could help fill the hole that she had created.
I began having dreams about her. I never saw her, but I always knew it was her. Because of those dreams, I felt like I knew her. We would try to talk about her but I would always end up crying. Just the thought of the whole situation was just overwhelmingly tragic.
Not too long after this, he decided, against all his instincts, to date me. We spent every second possible together. After only a few weeks of dating, I felt like we had been together a lifetime. One day, he realized that he loved me even though he never thought he would be able to. It was the happiest time of my life. We would stay up until dawn talking and then just sleep all day. I wanted it to go on forever. But school started back in August and we had to cut back on our time together. We still saw each other every day but no more early morning conversations while watching the sun rise.
As we got busier, we saw each other less and less but still talked every day and saw each other most nights and weekends. During those months, she would come up occasionally but not too often. I even thought that maybe he was beginning to move on. Only recently has she been the subject of conversation once again.
He stumbled upon some photos of her a few weeks ago. Ever since then things have been different. He also began to smell her, once even when he was less than a foot away from me. He was also more distant than ever before. This could have been attributed to several things going on at the time but I did not know the truth. One day, I asked him if he still loved me like he had. He said he still loved me but not like he had. Something had changed. I was devastated but somehow that was the response I was expecting.
Not too long after this, he told me about her photos. I was excited, terrified and upset all at the same time. I knew I had to see them but I wasn't sure how I would handle it. I didn't cry. I didn't do much of anything really. I just looked at them. Her small frame was beautiful. She was thin yet beautifully curved. Her eyes were large; a striking shade of blue.
Of course I had many questions racing through my mind but I could never seem to get them out in words. I did, however, ask him if he still loved her. Obviously he said that yes, he did still love her. An expected response but once again I was crushed. We had been together for so long, yet it seemed he still loved her more than he would ever love me.
Again, I was jealous of her. And again, I felt like a horrible person but I couldn't help it. I can't control how I feel, no matter how hard I try. I suppose he can't either.
