Love at First Sight

I remember that day almost perfectly. For me, that is a feat in itself. It was my first day and I had no idea what I was doing. I was scared. I was sitting at the top of the house, watching the actors rehearse their lines. He was off to the right. Sitting closer to the stage. I had no idea who he was or what our fate was to be. I was attracted to him instantly. Only later would I realize that that initial attraction could be compared to a little something called love at first sight.

As it turned out, we would be working together, talking for hours on end over a headset. Within days, I realized that I loved him. Call it naive, call it stupid, call it whatever you want but I know it's true. Over the course of the next few weeks, I would learn more about him than I knew about any of my friends. I would also learn a great deal about myself. All of this along with many other things that he educated me about. I felt that I had known him my entire life even though it had only been a matter of days.

For me, that was magical. I have a hard time letting people in for fear of being hurt and rejected. I trusted him more than I trusted anyone else. We quickly became best friends.

However, I told him how I felt and, to my surprise, he already knew. Over the course of the next six months we would discuss this over and over again. He said he would never be able to love me the way I loved him. He didn't want to hurt me. He was also still getting over a past relationship. Legitimate reasons. In spite of this, I wanted more. I kept at it.

We met again a few months later to work on another musical together. More talking over the headset for hours on end would solidify our already strong friendship. We began to go out a little bit; he taught me to play chess, we went to a few movies and a small concert. We also began chatting on the phone rather than communicating solely through the computer. It felt as though he was showing interest, yet the last time I thought this, I was in for a big disappointment.

I kept on pressuring him to give me more answers as to why we could not take our relationship one step further. One late night one the phone, I finally learned the truth about why he wanted us to remain friends. Before that one faithful night, the only think I knew was that he was "still getting over a past relationship". Little did I know what he really meant by that.

He started out slow. Telling me about how he and his mum flew to Boston in June two summers before. He was waiting in the airport when this girl approached him because she thought he was also flying alone. They immediately hit it off and talked the whole way to Boston. She became his first kiss. They spent the days at her dad's house. To this day, I don't know what they did. However, I do know that she was his love at first sight. They parted on June 30th after only 20 days together. They promised to write and call each other.

When he got home, it was a little while before he was able to write or call her. When he did, he never got a response. She never got a chance to. At this point in his story, I was shocked. I think, deep down, I knew. But still, I asked. She was dead. She had been killed in a car wreck only five days after the last time he saw her. He told me that when she left, she had taken something from him. He said he didn't know if he could ever be whole again. 

In spite of this, I still loved him and I still wanted him to be mine. Don't get me wrong, I felt like a horrible person, just the scum of the earth. But thats how I felt. I even hoped that maybe I could help fill the hole that she had created.

I began having dreams about her. I never saw her, but I always knew it was her. Because of those dreams, I felt like I knew her. We would try to talk about her but I would always end up crying. Just the thought of the whole situation was just overwhelmingly tragic. 

Not too long after this, he decided, against all his instincts, to date me. We spent every second  possible together. After only a few weeks of dating, I felt like we had been together a lifetime. One day, he realized that he loved me even though he never thought he would be able to. It was the happiest time of my life. We would stay up until dawn talking and then just sleep all day. I wanted it to go on forever. But school started back in August and we had to cut back on our time together. We still saw each other every day but no more early morning conversations while watching the sun rise.  

As we got busier, we saw each other less and less but still talked every day and saw each other most nights and weekends.  During those months, she would come up occasionally but not too often. I even thought that maybe he was beginning to move on. Only recently has she been the subject of conversation once again.

He stumbled upon some photos of her a few weeks ago. Ever since then things have been different. He also began to smell her, once even when he was less than a foot away from me. He was also more distant than ever before. This could have been attributed to several things going on at the time but I did not know the truth. One day, I asked him if he still loved me like he had. He said he still loved me but not like he had. Something had changed. I was devastated but somehow that was the response I was expecting. 

Not too long after this, he told me about her photos. I was excited, terrified and upset all at the same time. I knew I had to see them but I wasn't sure how I would handle it. I didn't cry. I didn't do much of anything really. I just looked at them. Her small frame was beautiful. She was thin yet beautifully curved. Her eyes were large; a striking shade of blue. 

Of course I had many questions racing through my mind but I could never seem to get them out in words. I did, however, ask him if he still loved her. Obviously he said that yes, he did still love her. An expected response but once again I was crushed. We had been together for so long, yet it seemed he still loved her more than he would ever love me. 

Again, I was jealous of her. And again, I felt like a horrible person but I couldn't help it. I can't control how I feel, no matter how hard I try. I suppose he can't either.  

Equestrian Theory :: Bit Theory

In my opinion, bits are often the most misused and misunderstood tool in the equestrian world. Think about it; if you have ever ridden a horse, there is a good chance that the horse had a bit in it's mouth. However, did you stop to think about what that bit might do? How it could effect the horse? What kind of bit was it? Did you even know that there were different kinds of bits? 

Most people don't give bits a second thought. [When I refer to people, I mean everyone who has encountered a horse, not all horse savvy people.] If properly understood, the correct bit can mean the difference between first place at a show and ending up on the ground. 

A bit uses a combination of pressure and leverage in order to convey information to your horse. The intensity and severity of the pressure and leverage differs from bit to bit and, if used improperly, can cause serious harm to you or your horse. 

In order to better explain myself, I will set up a scenario that depicts the kind of damage different bits can do.

Scenario one: You are riding a new and unknown horse for the first time. You don't know much about the horse's history but you know that he is young. Most trainers try to use a simple, gentle bit on young horses to keep their mouths soft and responsive. However, this is not always the case. Going on the simple bit assumption, you use a snaffle which is the most basic bit. You get on your horse, he seems to walk, and trot fine but when you ask for the canter, he takes off like there is no tomorrow. While clinging on to the back of a racing, 1,000 pound animal, teetering precariously 5 feet up in the air, you realize that your locomotive of a horse has no brakes. That happy little snaffle means nothing to this horse. Perhaps he was a high strung show horse or a barrel horse taught to run. At this point, it doesn't matter what your horse was. Your life is now in danger. You have to stop that bullet train with a feather. How are you going to go about doing that? Good question. And good luck. 

Scenario Two: Once again, you are on a relatively unknown, young horse. You are used to using severe bits to control your speed demon animals. Lets say you use a bicycle chain bit. Everyone knows what a bicycle chain looks like, right? Just imagine that in your mouth, grating against bare gums. Does not sound like fun to me. Anyway, you get on your horse and stay in his mouth for a long period of time, trying to set his head, maybe. After a while, the metal starts to cut into his sensitive gums, causing them to bleed. The gums will eventually scar over and you then have a "hard mouthed" young horse. There is also always the possibility of health problems regarding the wounds. Although this scenario does not seem quite as dramatic, you have permanently damaged your young horse that will be with you, or someone else, for many years to come. 

I don't know about you, but neither of these situations sound too fun to me. I would like to stay in one piece and keep my horse safe, healthy and happy. 

Since it would be confusing [for me, anyway] to try and explain bits and their different mechanics without a visual aide, I am going to compile a bit guide in my next post. I will try to include the most common bits along with some of the more obscure in order to help anyone interested gain a better understanding of bits. 

It may take a day or two to compile, but check back soon! Happy Horsing! 

Equine Therapy

I am in the beginnings of the "What do I want to do with my life?" phase. I have many options open to me, but I am not sure which direction I should take. I was recently directed towards an art school in Georgia called Savannah College of Art and Design. They have a brand new equestrian facility and, supposedly, give equestrian scholarships. I looked at the website but did not find much more than a few pictures of the new barn and a roster. I looked at the majors offered at SCAD. All pertaining to art and design. Duh.

I would love to be a graphic artists or an interior designer but I just don't think that I have the creativity to do something like that. [Well, I have the creativity just not the passion to drive said creativity] Long story short, nothing looked good to me.

Another school I have contemplated seems absolutely perfect for me. Tons of equestrian majors, anything from Equine Sciences to training to barn management. All at Lake Erie College in Ohio. Wait, Ohio? Hmm... I happen to extremely dislike Ohio. I went once for a horse show and swore I would never go back. Lake Erie is out.

All this led me to contemplate what I really want to do and go from there. I would love to be a surgeon but I don't have the brains. Psychiatry appeals to me but then again, I don't have the book smarts to make it through medical school. Maybe Psychology? It seems to fit me better than my other options. Then again, I am not one that enjoys the clinical atmosphere. I would rather be outside 99% of the time.

I have been thinking about this for some time but until recently, it was only a dream. I want to be an Equine Therapist. No, I won't be advising horses on how to cope with new environments or anything like that. I want to use horses as a tool for learning and healing. I want to be a therapist but I want to use horses to help me. There is a certain tranquility around horses that seems to put me into a good mood no matter what. I want to use what I love the most in order to help others.

So here is my grand plan. My parents and I [more like my parents but hey, I'm the inspiration behind it all] own about 40 acres of land with a house, a pond, a swimming pool, several acres of trails, woods, natural springs, a barn and, most importantly, three lovely horses. My barn is being built, but when it is finished, it will be a wonderful place. Of course all of this is being done in time for me to go off to college. My mom wants me to stay near by, I want to experience the world and who knows what goes on in my dad's mind. I want to, one day, turn my barn into a safe-haven for those who need it most.

I have had experience working in a non-profit riding therapy barn and know that I would not want to go that rout. There are too many risks involved, too many precautions and not enough freedom. I also know from experience that I enjoy working with the emotionally challenged children and adolescents more than the ones with physical or mental disabilities.

I would like to try and take the stress and embarrassment out of therapy for older children and teens. I know it can be rough when adults think you need to see a therapist but I also know that, in the proper atmosphere, it could be even enjoyable. I want it to be fun. I want it to be a unique experience that has the ability to really get through to people. I want it to be different. Even adults need that.

I want to eventually have other, smaller animals that are on the same level as the smaller children. There is nothing more intimidating than a horse when you are a mere two feet tall. Or four. Or whatever. Horses are not for everyone, I know. But, they may still want the tranquility that comes with the country. They may want to walk in the woods while having a heart to heart talk or gaze out over the pond while divulging their innermost demons. Maybe they do want the animals to help them. Thats where the miniature donkey comes in. Or the pony. Or the miniature horse. Or the chickens, ducks, dogs, cats, sheep, pigs and whatever else I might take on.

I want to be able to reach out to those who have no hope. Maybe emotionally or financially. Maybe there is a child who needs therapy but his insurance wont cover it. Maybe there is also a businessman who needs a weekend away from the stresses of the city. Part of that businessman's [or woman's] fees would go towards getting that child therapy. In addition to feeding all my therapy animals, of course :]

This is my ideal situation. Using horses and other animals to help people. People helping others who need it the most. I know it sounds very idealistic and unrealistic at best but I want this to become my reality.

This is my dream.

Questions for the Conservatives

I know, I know. It's been a while. But hey, I do have a life.

Anyway, I was on the way to work, thinking about a conversation that was had in my Anatomy and Physiology class. My teacher seems to be a conservative type. Religious. "Pro-life". You know the deal. She was talking about a friend whose son was born without a left ventricle [a critical part of the heart for those not in the know]. Her friends decided not to do anything about the incomplete heart and let nature take it's course, so to speak. Of course, the baby died within four days. 

The same teacher also "knows" someone who had a child with the same problem [sometimes I wonder how this woman knows so many people with strange diseases and birth defects]. This family opted to operate on the child who is now four and will need a heart transplant sometime in the near future. Although, I'm sure said child has loving, and most likely wealthy parents, He or she will have to go through many surgeries throughout his or her short life. 

My teacher seemed to think that letting the new born die naturally with no stressful surgeries was a bad choice. Instead of giving the child the best four days possible, she would have rather subjected him to a life of pain and suffering. When a student made a comment about the quality of life the child would have, my teacher replied "Yes, but if there is any chance of life, I would take it". 

If I was the baby and it was my choice, I would want to live four happy days in which I was the little miracle rather than live a life strapped to a heart monitor in which I was known as the patient. 

Constantly weighted down by the burden of a defective heart. Constantly being watched, by worried parents and doctors alike. Knowing that your life will be significantly shorter than average. Never knowing when you will be able to get a heart for a transplant. Worrying about whether your body will accept the foreign organ. Knowing that someone had to die in order for you to live.

All of these things are burdens that the child would have to bear, assuming that the child makes it through infancy and early childhood. Would you want that? Would you want that for your child? I know that I wouldn't.

All of this led to the questions I am about to ask. Any insight would be wonderful, but I am specifically asking any conservatives who might happen by. I truly do not understand why conservatives hold the views that they do. Maybe if I know the thoughts behind them, I will understand the choices better.

Question One:

On the issue of Gay Marriage. 

Do you really oppose the thought of a homosexual couple having the same rights as a heterosexual couple? Or do you dislike gays all together? Is it a matter of unexplained hatred or conflicting moral values? Do you oppose it because of your religious beliefs? If so, why? If it does not directly affect you, then why are you opposed to gay rights? 

Question Two:

On the issue of abortion.

When you oppose legal abortion, do you think about the child? Do you consider the quality of life that an unwanted child may have? Do you think about the life that child could destroy and the resentment that could follow? Do you just think about a little pink baby being killed and disposed of? Do you think about the consequences of a "black market abortion"? [An illegal abortion, done in possibly unsanitary conditions under less than desirable circumstances.]

These were the only questions I thought about on the drive to work, so I thought I would save any others for a second installment! Yay!! Haha :]

Well as a note, I would like to say that I am asking these questions purely out of curiosity. I would like to know the thought process behind some conservative views and the questions are in no way meant to be offensive. Thank you in advance for any feedback you may have!

 

This is why Genetic Engineering might be a good idea.

Earlier today I overheard a conversation concerning the mother who
sold her sons car because she found a bottle of alcohol under the
front seat. Both parties thought the punishment was ridiculous but
only one party seemed to understand why having a bottle of alcohol in
a vehicle is legal.

Middle aged woman: "Have you never heard of the open container law?!"

17 year old guy: "Yeah, but it has a top!"

I seriously fear for the future of our male population.

Candy is always Sweet.

I would like to thank someone who has read all of my posts and continues to give me positive feedback and praise. Split Candy has commented on several of my more controversial posts, discussing both sides of the story with a positive attitude rather than condemning one side or the other. She gives me more credit than I deserve and I would like to thank her for making me feel like I am writing to an audience rather than an empty blogosphere.

Props to Candy always being sweet!

What about a Man Period?

Sometimes I really hate being female. Really.

I will spare any details but it is just flat out unpleasant. The moment we are born, we are condemned to a life of pain. Sometimes I think it is just unfair. But of course I have heard it the other way around too, so I suppose it all depends on who you are and your point of view. 

Things like this make me think about male sexual discrimination. A weird thing, right? But if you think about it, the men in our country are expected to do all sorts of things women aren't. First of all that is possibly the most discriminatory is the draft. All male, American citizens have to register for the draft. And if you don't, from what I've heard, your future is pretty much effed up all over the place. But that is also a difficult one to solve. Can you really have every American citizen sign up for the draft once they turn 18? Somehow that just screams disaster. 

On a different note, men are hardly ever granted full or primary custody of their children unless their [soon-to-be] ex wife is certifiably crazy. Plenty of men are just as capable of providing nurturing homes for their children as most women. I happen to personally know two families with no contact with the mother and I know a few more who shouldn't. To use an example that almost anyone can understand [although I hate using celebrities as models] KFed now has sole custody of his children. That can only mean that Brittany has a real problem. And, thanks to the media, we know all about that.

Another prominent male-linked stereotype is being solely responsible for earning [at least the majority of] the money. And if he doesn't, people often shake their heads while he isn't looking and wonder "What was she thinking?" Since all of these problems are the fault of hundreds of years of tradition and stereotyping, it will most likely take hundreds of years before said stereotypes a fully erased from human society. 

Maybe some men enjoy the sense of responsibility and so-called manliness. Maybe they don't. What is a man to do? Get his man period?

Gotta give him credit

It has to be hard for any guy to date a horse lover. Especially if he hasn't always been around horses or horse people. As any other horse owner knows, taking care of horses is a full time job that never ends. Not unlike taking care of a thousand-pound, perpetual toddler. 

Between school, sleep, cleaning stalls, feeding and cleaning the barn, etc. etc. I barely have time to eat and take a shower before I fall asleep. Even if I do have the time to go out, I most likely smell like a horse [which I don't mind] have mud on my shoes and hay on my shirt. 

My wonderful love doesn't seem to mind. And if he really does mind, he doesn't complain too terribly much. I have heard the occasional grumble when I'm too tired to go out or something like that but if that's all I hear, I am perfectly happy. To have someone like that; someone who is even willing to help out with barn chores and willing wait on me is more than I ever thought possible. 

In spite of everything he has to put up with because of me, he is patient with me to a point that almost seems impossible. He is amazing.

SADDs? Or just sad?

There's something about this time of year that really gets to me. I don't want do to anything but sleep and eat. What's new, right? Well now it's worse than any other time of year. I first noticed that my depression hits about this time of year when I was in 7th grade but who knows how long it had been going on before that. The weird thing about it is that I love winter. Something about the cold, the ice and the prospect of snow that lies just beyond my grasp.

It's probably school. Something about the fact that you're halfway done but it feels like a lifetime. So much pressure. It's like everything you do at this point dictates the rest of your life. It's a wonder more teens and 20-somethings don't commit suicide. The pressure from parents and teachers and any other relative figure is overwhelming. And if I want to have any sort of future, I have to continue my suicidal rush towards graduation, life and certain death. Depressing, eh? Well I certainly thing so.

Times like this make me wonder how many others feel this way. Desperate. Depressed. Suicidal. Pointless.

Don't mind me, just my depressing thoughts of the day. Have fun!

The Wicked Truth

I know every one has heard the old saying "As healthy as a horse". However, I'm not aware of many people who know the truth about how healthy horses really are. They aren't. Really.

Horses themselves are like walking, grass-eating disaster zones. Anything that can go wrong with a horse, will. Horses can find extremely creative ways to get stuck in or on just about anything. I once found a yearling with his tail stuck to a fence post so tightly, I thought he would break his tail trying to get free. In the end it took two people to free the frantic animal.

Any thousand pound creature balanced atop long, spindly legs with a flight instinct worse than a bird's is an accident waiting to happen. When a horse falls, it is never pretty. A broken leg almost always means certain death.

Not to mention the myriad of diseases and injuries that can affect a horse. I happen to have one horse who colics [a serious condition in horses, often leading to death if not hastily treated] if you look at him the wrong way. He often chokes on ordinary things such as hay. Due to their lack of gag reflex, a choking horse does not have long before his life is in danger. Not to mention all the hoof ailments that can cripple a horse for life. And eye injuries. And broken bones. And abscesses. And... well you get the picture.

Whoever came up with the saying "As healthy as a horse" had a wicked sick sense of humor.